I'm surrounded by You - This is how I fight my battles

The past several months has been a very real struggle for me. I felt like I was drowning. Between very serious personal issues and difficulties with the line of work I was in, I was finding myself becoming more drained and it was as if it was sucking the very life out of me.
My already minimal social life had become quite non existent and I started to notice a very concerning change in myself that I didn’t like.
I was more stressed, depressed, and negative. Where I used to find joy in the little things, I now had forgotten how to smile.
It takes a very special person to handle this type of work 40+ hrs a week. I, however, am not cut out for it. You never truly know and realize what people on the other end of the phone really go thru until you’ve experienced it yourself.
I have a much higher respect for them now.
I felt surrounded and attacked on all sides. Deep inside I was screaming for help and rescue, but I felt like no one could hear me. I felt stuck.

“It may look like I’m surrounded....”

On Sept 18, I received a notification from a job search app stating my resume matched a position at a Law Firm just a few blocks from where I live. I initially laughed as I have no degree and no clue about anything relating to Law. Why would I even be considered?
So I let it sit there.
Later on that afternoon, I saw it again and this time felt a nudge to hit “apply”. So I shrugged and said “eh, why not”, clicked the apply button that automatically sends out my resume, and continued on with my day.
The next day I received an email offering an interview. I, again, let it sit there, this time for a full weekend, before I finally called and ended up going for the interview that Tuesday. The interview went so well, but I was scared to get my hopes up as my last few recent interviews elsewhere had crushed me.
So I waited.
The week finished out and still no word.
The weekend came and went.

Monday morning I received word that they were meeting to discuss and make a decision that afternoon. I waited all day, nervously glancing at my phone. Internally begging it to ring.
At 2:45pm the call came. They asked me to come back in. I went. I was a wreck on the inside, but outwardly calm. It was a second brief interview, but I was very desperately hoping to get some answer. Good or bad. They then ended it with “Thank you for coming back in. We will notify you when we make our decision.”
My stomach dropped.
I had really hoped for news.
Something.
Anything.
But I thanked them for their time and left.
The entire way to my car I was asking God all the “why” questions. I get in my car and pull around to the parking lot exit. The street was packed with traffic. I couldn’t get out of the lot.
So I sat there. Waiting.
Suddenly my phone rings. It was them! I answered and they asked if I had left yet. I advised I was still here due to traffic. They asked if I would be able to come back up. Now completely confused, I backed up, parked again, and made my way back up to the top floor. They were waiting for me as I stepped off the elevator.
Apparently, the moment I left the office, they looked at each other and said “It’s a no brainer. She is who we need need here!”.
They offered me the job with a pay increase.
The moment I said “yes”, I felt a huge weight fall off. I suddenly couldn’t contain myself and I started laughing and my eyes welled with tears.
My new office is on the top floor of the building.
My new desk sits with a massive and incredible view of the entire bayfront.
I will be doing work that I’m truly good at and I actually enjoy doing.
The pay and benefits improved significantly.
I know I will be very happy here and will be taken care of and treated very well.
Never did I see this coming. This wasn’t even what I expected when I prayed for a new job. This is so much more than what I asked for. This is an “I’m drinking from my saucer because my cup has overflowed”.
Here I thought I was surrounded by things that seemed determined to wreck me, but, in reality, I was actually surrounded by The One who knew exactly what I needed without me having to or even knowing to ask for it. He was just putting the pieces together and just when I was giving up and ready to fall apart, He picked me up and said “Watch this”.

“It May look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You. This is how I fight my battles”

Your job vs. God's job

How many times has our words or actions caused a human to walk away from Christ? Leave a church? Become hurt and doubt their faith? Spread gossip against another? Etc.
Judging only causes them to run farther away and, in most cases, never return.
Loving them is when they become open to hearing you and can then speak into their lives where they will receive it.
Only God can change a heart.
That’s not up to us.
I’m so glad He never gave us that kind of power, because we are all just humans. We all mess up and make mistakes. Every single day.
The greatest commandment is this: Love one another as I have loved you.
Look at how much we’ve messed up, yet He still loves us. Who are we to determine who does or doesn’t deserve love?
Jesus truly is the greatest example!
Look who he chose to hang out with. They were society’s worst at the time. Yet He saw their potential and chose to simply love them. They, in turn, followed Him. It’s sad how many Christians have taken on the example of the Pharisees instead of Jesus.
Our reactions and responses to those who are not like us can have a huge impact. It is the crossroads for most individuals.
Your actions, reactions, and words can be life or death. Maybe not physically (although that is becoming more and more common), but, most importantly, spiritual.
It’s our job to love. It’s God’s job to change.

A glimpse into my journey...

As I sit here at my favorite solitude spot in quiet contemplation, the warm fall breeze mixing familiar autumn scents while the only sound is the soothing melody of the waves kissing the rock wall that I am resting on as the sun sets and the sky turns several shades of orange and pink in a majestic farewell to yet another day, my attention wanders from the book in my hand to my surroundings. I am suddenly filled with a raw emotion that can only be described as "awe".

To think that only two years ago things were so very different. 

My journey has been so unique and so challenging compared to what people can see. I didn't always have a relationship and a closeness with my Savior as I now cherish. 

Everyone has a story. 

Mine brought me to the edge, allowed me to look over the side, and then, gently with pure and unequivocal love, brought me to the place of "all in" with Yeshua. 

I now humbly and gratefully wear the biggest part of my testimony on my arm as a symbol and constant reminder of God's amazing and miraculous work in my life! 

The semicolon, as in the English grammar, symbolizes where the writer could have ended the sentence, but yet continues further thus symbolically marking the point when I, too, nearly ended my "sentence". To think a person could allow themselves to get to such a point is so incredibly sad. To think a Jesus-following, church-attending, bible-believing person could get to that point almost seems impossible, right? I am here to tell you it's not. 

Sad? Yes. Impossible? No. 

Some may look at such a mindset as selfish and weak. Lacking all reason and tossing Almighty God to the side as if He no longer matters. I strongly proclaim that this is not true. 

I will not go into details as this is merely an open post and a glimpse into my story. Maybe one day I will "put pen to paper" as they say and write a book, but for now I will simply say that I now fully understand the mindset of someone who is completely convinced this world, and everyone in it, is better off without you. Seems crazy, right? As if the classic film "It's a wonderful life" didn't do a good enough job teaching us otherwise.

Let's continue. 

Throughout the past several years I had come to notice one worship song that clung to my heart above the rest - It is well. However, it wasn't just the song itself that held my heart, but the story behind the writing of it. Mr. Horatio Spafford penned those powerful and heart-wrenching words after the tragic death of not just one, but all of his children. 

As he sailed over the very spot where his 4 daughters drowned he was able, with incredible strength and closeness with Yahweh, to look down into the dark waters and say

 "when peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say It is well, It is well with my soul". 

That amount of peace and faith in Jehovah has gripped me beyond anything I can explain. It is not just inspiring. It's life changing.

 I want that.

 I aspire that amount of "all in" with The Holy Spirit. 

Because of his testimony, I have chosen to face the storms that spring up and rage in my life with a fierce determination and claim "It is well" over my situation "whatever my lot".

 I have become acquainted with "sorrow like sea billows" in my own life and have spent many countless nights in tears and discouragement, yet God in His infinite wisdom and love keeps me anchored and covers me. 

My story is not like his and not like yours, yet there are similarities and relations. We all have a journey that we have been asked to travel.

 What we go through is not entirely for us. 

Many times it is for the benefit of others so, through our testimony and victories, they may gain strength to overcome and survive their own assigned journey.

 So while my "sentence" could've ended at that semicolon, now - 

It is well!

Between social media, celebrities, and media in general the standard for physical appearance has reached an unachievable level. This "goal" is no longer attainable without the assistance of makeup, hair extensions, personal fitness trainers, and even the recreation assistance of plastic surgeries which would have been deemed unimaginable only a few decades ago. We've basically proclaimed that the face/hair/features/body type you were born with is unacceptable and not good enough. Even with all those expensive outlets listed above we are still not satisfied with our reflection in the mirror and continue to obsess in the "next steps" to meet the standard. 

When did we decide you had to look a certain way or be placed on the "not hot" list? 

Why are we even striving for that ridiculous goal? 

When did that become so important? 

Beauty is only skin deep. It's not what you see on the outside. It's not what you wear and where you shop. Its not the size of your jeans. It's not how perfectly aligned your eyebrows are or how much of a thigh gap you have. It's not the shape of your nose or if your curves match the desired shape "guys want". 

True beauty comes from within. 

It begins deep inside you at a place called "Character". You can purchase the most lavish products, wear only the most elite labels, carve and redesign your face and features and still be unattractive if your character is flawed. 

A woman of good character is the most beautiful of all. 

An apple can look delicious and sweet on the outside, but if the core is rotten the entire apple is no longer edible. It's time to stop staring in the mirror and start looking a little deeper. Why are we so concerned about the standard the media thinks we should have? They don't even know because they keep changing it too! 

We need to be less concerned with mainstream media and more concerned with showing Jesus.

 Proverbs 31 gives us a great beauty tip when it talks about a woman of virtue and noble character being worth far more than rubies! I'd say that wins! How does your character match up to the "attractive" scale? How does your character match up to Proverbs 31? 

Stop trying to simply "turn heads" and start turning hearts!

It is summer.

Which means wedding season is in full swing. Your calendar is filling up with Bridal Showers, Bachelorette Parties, Ceremonies, and Receptions. It's an exciting time full of fun, dancing, and celebrating two hearts becoming one. However, for a one who is single, it is also a stark and almost harsh reminder of your lack of an expected love life and you are once again having to prepare yourself to sit through yet another ceremony solo and you're already planning on escaping to the bathroom during the dreaded "tossing of the bouquet" session where your singleness is embarrassingly and publicly announced. 

In this day and age it seems as if you are expected to be married and/or on your way to the altar by the age of 24 with at least 2 kids by the time you are 26, if not sooner. If you somehow missed that designated time frame then you are put in a "league of your own" and "something must be wrong with you".

I couldn't be happier for my girls as they found their soulmates and watched their love grow for each other. I was thankful they each found good, godly men who truly adored them and made sure they knew every day how much they were loved and cherished. I love my "sisters" dearly and expect only the very best for them.

As a single woman who has married off all her friends and is becoming "Auntie" to their children, I can clearly say:

We know!

We know we are single. We know what we are missing out on. We see it nearly every day as everyone seems to be in a relationship these days. We see how happy you are and, don't get me wrong, we are very happy for you, but we certainly don't need to be reminded of what we don't have.

So this summer, as you're drowning in RSVP's and trying to figure out which reception table to put the one single attendee at who couldn't find a date, don't make it worse for them by hosting the traditional public display of  pathetic singleness. We won't be offended at all if you skip it all together. In fact, nothing would make us more happy and relieved.

And please, whatever you do, do not replace it with the new thing people are trying to make happen in the Christian community by going around to each single attendee, giving them a rose, and praying individually for them to find a husband. It is a well-intentioned, but actually condescending gesture.

I am trying to imagine my reaction if this were to happen to me. I can see my face going bright red in absolute mortification and embarrassment and then the feeling of belittlement as "poor you...I found a husband and you didn't". Trust me, future brides, this new ritual needs to die before becoming a "tradition".

A wedding is the last place where singles need to be singled out (see what I did there *wink*). It's hurtful and humiliating. Chances are we already feel small for being dateless in a room full of couples (married or taken). We live in a "couples" world. That's just fact. We are perfectly content with simply enjoying your day and your moment with you.

 I'm gonna be super real with you now.

Wedding season is difficult for us. As happy as we are for our friends, we can't deny the emotions we experience around weddings. We feel down, overly aware of our singleness, lonely, neglected, and the feeling that "God gives good gifts to everyone but you".

Hunny, I know. I get you!

You feel depressed and the lies of self doubt/worth/value begin to creep into your mind. This is when you need to be super real with God and tell Him what you're feeling. He already knows, but He wants to hear it from you. He wants to talk through it.

I find that the moment I start to verbally voice what's in my head regarding my emotions and struggles is when I begin to see things differently. Sometimes we need to say it out loud and really hear it so that we can take control and not allow our minds and emotions to go too far.

I also would like to clarify that I am not a fan of the "dates with Jesus" mentality that many Christian girls have claimed, as if He is your imaginary boyfriend. Girls, stop. Just....stop. It's being used as a temporary bandaid to cover up the raging hysteria of emotions that's boiling inside and I've seen the melt downs when the bandaid suddenly isn't enough. I've heard it all. This is not healthy and certainly is not what Jesus intended.

There is a big difference in keeping your focus on Jesus while finding contentment and putting on a temporary bandage when your emotions begin to take control.

One has a lasting and life changing result while the other is comparable to a 5hr Energy drink where the crash at the end of the 5 hours is enough to knock you out for a while.

Don't beat yourself up when the feeling of loneliness and the longing for affection and physical touch come around. These are natural desires. It is important to talk to God - and yourself - through those times and bring your focus back on bettering yourself in this season of your life.

Work on finding that emotional stability and becoming steady.

It takes work and determination, but in the long term you will be far more advanced and successful than most of the population around you. Focus on becoming physically fit and financially successful.

Do not look at your single life as the page before the book starts.

Now is your story.

Now is your time to improve and advance farther than you thought possible.

So with that thought in mind, keep your chin up. You're not alone in the feeling of discouragement, jealousy, and even dread when you see another engagement announcement on facebook or receive another wedding invite in the mail. You've made it through the last dozen weddings. You got this! Put on your heels and favorite lip gloss and go with the determination of simply having a good time celebrating your friend's new step in their life. And don't feel guilty for stepping out and not participating in the "free entertainment" for the happy, cake-eating married couples.

Mazel tov! 

There comes a point in time where you simply have to walk away from those who do not add positivity to your life. Sometimes you have to say enough is enough and take back the joy that was taken from you. What you allow is what will continue. If you allow others to consistently judge, put you down, and speak negativity over your life, then you have, in essence, given them power that does not belong to them and it’s not healthy for you. It doesn’t matter if it is a relative, significant other, or friend – it is wrong and they must go. It is a sign of maturity and stability when you are able to take a stand for yourself and no longer allow others to affect how you view yourself or the person God is creating you to be. Never allow anyone to make you feel as though you’re not good enough or don’t match up to “their” standards and opinions. If they are not adding to your life, then they are taking something away. You are in charge. It’s time to get your focus on things that promote happiness, success, and positivity. Anything and anyone that is not helping you achieve your goals, uplift you in your self-esteem/worth/spiritual walk, and speak life over you simply does not belong. 

I've never been a fan of the "damsel in distress" type or the "waiting for a man so my life can finally start". No! Get up, pick up your sword, and fight! Get your own standards! Find your own strength! Be successful and capable of handling life completely on your own. A real man, a warrior, doesn't need the extra weight and burden of a woman who can't do it herself. He needs a warrior who can stand alongside him in battle, protect his back, and knows she can handle her own! Media and literature have made the "damsel" and "princess" something to be desired when in all reality, it's no help in the battle of this world. Be a woman of strength! Be the woman a warrior can get his strength from and feel safe with. Anyone can be a princess, but it takes a real woman of honor, integrity, character, strength, and gentleness to be a Queen!