Last night I had to do one the hardest things in life.
Say Goodbye.

No matter how many times that word is spoken over a lifetime, it never gets easier and the pain that follows is enough to shatter a heart. 

Some people come into your life never making much of an impact, while others not only come in, but suddenly they are in every aspect of your world. 

They are the one you text/call the moment you get news of any kind (good or bad). They are the one who drops everything to be at your side when you're falling apart. They are your adventure sidekick and secret-keeper. Your accountability partner and the one person you can be 100% real with because that's where you feel the most safe. You share passions, memories, clothes, and silent looks that only the two of you can interpret.

An unbreakable bond shared between kindred spirits.

From the moment I met Lauren, I knew there was something different. Something bigger than just mere friends and a mutual obsession over everything Christmas. Our connection was instantaneous and infectious. So much so that others around us noticed and commented.

We spent every moment we could together. 

From countless hours of conversation over coffee to watching our favorite movies. Spontaneous lunch dates to spending nearly the entire summer in the sun at Waldameer critiquing the music choice of the waterpark's speakers. Singing together in church to breaking out into song at any given moment due to something we just heard. Knowing what the other is thinking to keeping each other sane when life threw a curve ball. 

We were always laughing even to the point of crying. 

She willingly became the rock I needed to get me through some of the biggest struggles I've ever faced. She was determined to see me succeed. 

She became my Sister, my Confidant, my Best Friend. 

She is my biggest supporter, cheerleader, and fan.

I watched this amazing woman go through pregnancy and last night I was given the awesome honor and privilege of being called "Aunt Kate" to the most precious little boy, her son Judah.

Last night, as in most things in life, we had to let each other go. As we clung to each other in painful, heart-wrenching sobs the reality and uncertainty of ever seeing each other on Earth again was overwhelming, but still we are determined to hold on to the hope of reuniting once again someday. 

Circumstances may separate us, but our hearts will forever remain connected across the miles.

We don't know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future and that alone gives peace.

To say you are missed is an understatement. 

Always my Sissy ~ Forever your Kate-Kate

I love you darling

"Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say 

It is well, it is well with my soul"

Inner peace, through an implicit trust in the love of God, is the real evidence of a mature Christian faith. These powerful lyrics were written by Mr. Horatio E. Spafford. After suffering loss in the great Chicago fire of 1871 he decided to take his family on a vacation to Europe, but, due to urgent business, he was detained while his wife and 4 daughters went on ahead. Halfway across the Atlantic, the ship carrying his wife and daughters was struck and sunk. All four of the Spafford girls drowned. His wife was miraculously saved. Mr. Spafford, after hearing the news of his tragic loss, set sail immediately to rejoin his wife. When his ship passed by the approximate place where his daughters had drowned, he received comfort from God like no other that brought him the words 

"When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well. It is well with my soul."

This is the kind of peace and trust I so desperately yearn to achieve in my life. That whatever trials God sees fit to put me through and whatever sorrows I have to face...I may be able to stand on the deck of my ship, look down at the waters of my trials, and say those words with confidence and true immersing peace and trust in Almighty God! I am learning to fully place my entire life and circumstances in His hands. God only has our best interests in mind and His plans are perfect even tho we cannot see the reason. He has never failed and He won't stop now!

Will I still have doubts? Yes.

Will I fail? Yes.

With God's strength and unchangeable love, I will come out on the other side victorious, stronger, and the woman He truly intended me to be. Help me, Lord!

It is well...

Shine Your Light

A young woman came to me and told me something I will never forget. She said that every time she sees me she envisions God pouring grace, peace, mercy, hope, love, and joy on me like a fountain which then bursts out of me in all directions like rays of light capturing, touching, and affecting every soul around. She then, with tears in her eyes, said, "I want what you have. I want to be close enough to soak up everything I can. I want to learn from you so that I, too, may be that bright beacon that will change the world." I stood there stunned and in absolute awe as tears poured down my face. I looked back at my life and all that I was going thru during the past several months and I am completely amazed. She doesn't know my story. She doesn't know my struggles and trials. She doesn't know the countless nights spent crying myself to sleep while asking God for answers and understanding. Yet, THAT is what she saw. What a constant reminder that I am being watched intently by people I had no idea I was affecting. Had I allowed myself to quit and give up, I could have unknowingly hurt and possibly destroyed her. She was gleaning strength from me that God was pouring into my life.

 Sometimes the trials we go thru are not for us, but for others so we can help them by what we learned.

 What are you showing the world? Who is watching you?

As a 27yr old woman who has married off nearly all her friends (Emma you're next) I am forever getting the shocked reaction of "Why are you still single?!" and such. Recently I've begun to wonder myself...BUT this has reminded me WHY I'm still single. I refuse to settle for just your average "good" guy. I want rare. I want God's best. I want one that will make people say "Oh, I see why she waited on the right one". That man will love me for me, be my best friend, and always keep God in the center. Will be crazy and spontaneous, fun, adventurous, and goofy, but will also be responsible, respectful, loving, and be the MAN that God wants him to be as a husband and father. That man will get my attention and make me look twice. That man will find his way into my heart and make me addicted to his company. That man DOES exist. For now, I will live my life fully in the happiness and joy of living for Jesus. I am not the "needy" type or the kind of girl that "must have" a boyfriend. I think I'm doing pretty good on my own, doing my thing, supporting myself, enjoying life. I am confident that man will step into my life and fit perfectly and those reactions of "why i'm still single" will forever be erased for people will see that I truly waited for the perfect man for me! <3

Paddleboat Christianity

              The Old Ship of Zion – We’ve often heard this title. Some in story form, some in sermons, others in song. It is an analogy for the Christian life, the Ship being salvation with our Lord and Saviour at the helm as we sail through the sea of life, rescuing the drowning souls along the way, to our final destination – the ports of Heaven. This subject came up in conversation with a good friend and in the midst of talking I saw this analogy displayed in quite a different way. Later that night I had a vivid dream of that conversation and the analogy that had come to mind. It may have been God revealing some truth, or just an active imagination; nevertheless this analogy was quite interesting to the extent I felt I must write it down and share. If nothing else it would make a captivating story for one of those ancient “stories on tape”. I do not entirely know for sure what the dream meant, if it meant anything at all, however this is what I saw…

            The Great Ship of Zion, with enormous sails billowing in the salty breeze, came bursting into view with such illustrious grandeur and magnificence. No ship has ever come close to its captivating beauty and majesty, as well as endurance and strength. It was a beacon of hope for lost stragglers and shipwrecks as its purpose was to rescue the perishing and give refuge to any and all. The raging sea of life was full of drowning and helpless souls, some frantically grasping at wreckage floating by, while others just struggled to keep their heads above the water line. As the Mighty Ship sailed on it was endlessly throwing out lifelines to those fighting for survival. Some accepted the help and was swiftly pulled on board where they were immediately given new robes to wear and shelter from the storm, while others pushed the line away, refusing the help, and insisted they could “do it themselves”.

            Suddenly it seemed to jump ahead to many years later and what I saw was quite different…

            Aboard the Ship, the hundreds of thousands of rescued Christians stood. Some continually assisting the rescue process, some sitting off in a corner as if to avoid contact with anyone, while others were gathering in separate circles and groups as in a cliquish and private club-like manner. The individual groups started bickering against each other, which only seemed to form even more separate groups. Next thing I know the groups are heading to the lifeboats and lowering them into the water. They all claimed to have the answers and refused to associate themselves with the other groups.

Now paddleboats are filling the waters around the Great ship. Each boat is filled with people who are now rowing instead of riding and rescuing. As I took a closer look at the individual lifeboats I saw with surprise that each person had chains around their ankles keeping them locked inside the boat. In horror I witnessed a few of the boats push away some struggling souls trying to climb into the boat for safety. On occasion, although rare, the paddleboats would toss a life ring out which would instantly be clung to by desperate drowning souls, but instead of pulling them in to rest in the safety of the lifeboat, they left them out to drag along behind.

           

 Then I noticed that the Ship of Zion, instead of sailing on at the original speed, had slowed down to remain alongside of the lifeboats rowing in the sea. I saw those that had remained on the Ship were now calling out to those chained in the boats to come back onboard where they belong. They began to throw lifelines into the boats begging them to grab on so they could pull them up. Sadly, many were ignored or tossed away. Some, however, became convicted of how far they had strayed and their eyes were opened to the chains around their ankles and as they reached out their hands and grabbed the rope the chains that held them there suddenly fell off and they were freely and effortlessly pulled back into the arms of the Captain and safely aboard the Great Ship of Zion.

  I suddenly awoke and realized it was just a dream. Or was it? It felt so vividly real and it seemed to reveal such a powerful message. I don’t entirely know what it means, if it meant anything at all, but I do know that I don’t dream often and when I do they have never been this real or this vivid. It has been days since this dream occurred and yet it is so clear in my mind. There may be more truth to this than we realize. I want to be the one on the Ship actively part of the rescue group of those in the water and those in the boats. “Rescue the perishing, care for the dying. Jesus is merciful. Jesus will save!”

Why Me?

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

In an instant my mind went racing back thru time, uprooting memories of the nights when I spoke those exact words with much of the same emotion and heartbreak. I looked sadly across the table at a broken and tearful young woman struggling and grasping for answers to take away the pain she’s been prisoner of for so many years. So deeply I wished for the ability to take away the hurt and erase the past as I listened to a story of a young girl exposed to the horrors no child should have to endure. Her story matched mine on so many levels and in so many ways it astounded me.

 I knew her pain, frustration, and anger.

I’ve been there.

 I’ve spoken those words.

I understood.

She spoke of the struggle of forgiveness, anger, bitterness, and hatred. “I don’t want to forgive! I cant!” she cried. “I know”, was my response. It took her by surprise, as that was not the expected reply. “I know you cant. So let God do it for you. We are only human and don’t have the ability to truly forgive. Only God can forgive and forget. Our flesh will always remind us of those feelings. Anger and bitterness is something you will always have to fight.”. “But why me? Why did it have to happen? I know there’s a reason for things, but I don’t understand what it was for?” she said thru tears.

A story I had heard long ago came to my mind and, as I began to tell her the story, God started working on my heart in a way I didn’t realize until some time later.

 “There was a man who spent many afternoons at his grandmothers house as a child. His grandmother used to make quilts and had a large quilt rack that would stretch the quilt out in the room so she could work on it. He recalls the countless hours he spent playing under that quilt rack. Many times he’d look up at the underside of the quilt to see a tangled mess of thread and knots. It wasn’t pretty at all; in fact it was quite ugly. Many years later he again was at his grandmothers house and walked into the quilting room to find a masterpiece displayed. It was the same quilt she had been working on those years ago. You see his perspective had completely changed. Like the little boy, you are only able to see your life from underneath the quilt. It seems a mess and doesn’t make sense, but from above God is creating a masterpiece in you that is more beautiful that you can imagine. If you hadn’t gone thru those trials then part of that amazing picture would be missing colors. It would be like an unfinished puzzle. The things we go thru here may not make sense to us, but one day they will be explained and revealed as the most spectacular masterpiece of God’s creation.”

The comparisons to the views of the boy, the cries of this young woman, and my own life lessons took me by surprise. I had never looked at it quite like that before. I came to realize and see God’s handiwork in my own life. I realized that although some things may never be explained until Heaven, I’m witnessing one of them being explained this very moment. God had me go thru certain trials so that one day I would be sitting across from a struggling young woman and be able to help her cross that gulf that I had to cross years ago. We all have our strengths in different areas. God had given me the strength to cross years ago, but she wasn’t strong enough to make that crossing herself, so God placed me in her life at that moment to take her hand and make the jump.

Those haunting words have struck me so many times and for the first time today I was able to see just a little bit of the answer to that enormous two worded question. I was transported back in time to the seemingly endless nights of sobbing those words with no answer in sight. This young woman, though unaware, opened up a world of questions and helped shine some light on an area of my life that I thought would never be seen this side of eternity. I sat in awe and amazement of how God had intricately used and moved me to where I am now for such a time as this. Who am I that a God such as He would use me in such a way? As we parted ways that afternoon I sat in my car for a bit, humbled and blown away at the revelation God allowed me to glimpse.

There is a reason for everything in life.

Nothing goes unnoticed by God.

The trials in life may seem astronomical and without reason. That is when God is adding a few glorious, colorful touches to your masterpiece. One day it will all be revealed and the question “Why me?” will finally be answered. The past was made to be a testimony for the future and that testimony can help change lives. As with any other lesson, life lessons come with tests. Like gold put in a fire, we will come out more beautiful and pure. God sets our paths to cross those who we can help in a way, which only we are able. It’s times like those, and like mine today, that will give us a glimpse of the answer to the question we have asked so many times. Why me?

Three steps to Perspective

While driving one day, I took a moment to really notice my surroundings and the scenery around me. The sky was blue with scattered clouds, the sun making its way through the thick forest lining the road, the sign of winter snow fading away into spring. As I passed a gap in the woods where it burst forth into hills and plains a small object caught my eye. After a second glance I was able to make out a partially crumbled set of three very old porch steps made of either concrete or stone. They, however long ago they were used, were still standing as tall and strong as they could as if leading to a now non-existing porch or doorway. There was no house, foundation, chimney remains, or fence in sight, however those three steps continued to stand as if they were still fulfilling their duty, albeit crumbling with age. I couldn’t get them out of my mind as I continued on down the road. My mind began to wander as I considered the possible beginning of those meager steps. It must have been a very long time ago as the trees in and around them were quite large and thick, along with the massive amount of brush surrounding the area. Many years ago, before my time, there’s a good chance this was a woman’s dream home, a hardworking man’s proud creation to support his new wife and upcoming family, a little girl’s comfort and safe haven, a young man’s inspiration to make something of himself, a humble elderly couple’s cozy home full of laughing grandchildren during the holidays, a refuge for those in need, and the list goes on. So many possibilities, so many memories. Oh, if those crumbled yet determined stairs could speak of the history of the house that once stood. Everything has a story to tell. There is history everywhere. Someone’s whole life and hard work remains in the form of three steps still standing tall after all these years. It made me take a step back and think of all the effort and emotion I put in to the most trivial things. Does it really mean that much? Is it really worth the time spent stressing and agonizing over? Will it really matter ten or even two years from now? Those three steps gave me a new perspective and outlook on life.

“Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.”  James 4:14 KJV

 “Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away.” Psalms 144:4 KJV

Although three meager steps are all that remains of what was once someone’s whole world, we can still learn something without ever needing to know the history. Life is short, Time is precious, Love is strong, Faith is eternal, and what you do with those precious gifts God has so richly blessed you with is something only you can decide. What are you leaving behind?  What are you doing with your life? How are you spending your time? For one day it will be like those three small steps. Will you be crumbled and forgotten alone in the woods along a highway or will you be a monument that will forever be etched in the lives of those you’ve touched? It’s amazing how someone’s entire life, hard work, laughter, love, blood, sweat, and tears who had a place in history, known or unknown, can all come down to three steps still standing alone in the woods. Although I will never know the lives, stories, or history of the house that once stood, I will always remember those three steps that helped give me perspective in the midst of a busy world.